Being spontaneous vs. being impulsive

[Deb]

I've been thinking about this for a while. I've never thought of myself as being spontaneous--I was a legal secretary for years, am pretty organized, plan ahead, make notes, have a long list of shoulds, all that stuff. When a friend told me a few years ago that she saw me as being spontaneous, I was a little shocked. I just couldn't see it and was almost insulted, like it was something bad.  But she made me think, once I got past my resistance to the idea (resistance, a great topic for another day) and I started seeing where I really was being spontaneous. I had been equating being spontaneous with being impulsive, which has a feeling of recklessness, childishness and irresponsibility.

Since reading the "Nature of Personal Reality," and learning that spontaneity is signals from the inner guidance/inner self, I've been less of afraid of and consciously more spontaneous in following inner prompts. But I need to explore a little more about what I think being spontaneous really is. Being a detail oriented person, looked the words up in Merriam-Webster (see below).

I have to admit that when I act spontaneously, I have really, really great experiences. More fun, more successes, more ease in accomplishing things. I'm now at the point where I stop to think during my day, 'What do I want to do next?' as opposed to 'What should I do next?' That helps me to tune into my inner guidance.

Any thoughts about those two words mean to you?

Spontaneous: 1. done or said in a natural and often sudden way without a lot of thought or planning;
2. doing things that have not been planned but seem enjoyable and worth doing at a particular time.

Impulsive: 1. doing things or tending to do things suddenly and without careful thought; 2. acting or tending to act on impulse

[Bumblebee]

For me both of these words are not linked to a negative state. I often function on impulse,  and it often brings me to the place I need to be. Actually, I believe there is no wrong turn. And every time I do something spontaneous, it is always more fun and/or always brings me new horizons and lessons. As a traveler, it has often got me in but then out of unpleasant situations. Examples of spontaneous-impulsive decisions...

This story probably relates more to the word spontaneous:
On a spring morning,  I woke up and it was a gorgeous day outside. I was a full-time special ed teacher then,  and like you Deb, I was organized and always there for my students. But that morning, my boyfriend and I took one look at each other and knew what we were going to do; we called in sick for the day and went hiking in the wilderness instead. I had sooooo much fun that day! I felt sooo alive. This was maybe 14 or 15 years ago and I still remember the joy that filled my heart. It wasn't responsible, yet I would do it all again if I had to.


This one correlates more to the word impulsive:
At the age of 25, I went for a week in Mexico on holiday. I really loved it, and I decided to sell everything I owned and go backpacking for a year through the country. I bought a book "Learn Spanish in 50 lessons", did religiously the first 15 and then thought it was easy and didn't need more; tossed the book aside. I arrived in Acapulco in the low season, no tourists around. As I picked up my huge bag at the airport, I hurt my hip. I managed to limp to a hotel that didn't look too expensive and asked for a room as it was mentioned in lesson number 4. Unfortunately for me, the clerk only spoke spanish and had not read the same book as I, so he did not respond as it said he would.  I didn't understand a word. Nevertheless I managed to book a room for a week. I had a phone in the room but it wasn't written in my Spanish book how to dial for a doctor, so I just cried my eyeballs out. After a while I got thirsty and hungry, so I ventured out to find some food. I had not planned to be escorted, but as a single white female, I had attracted quite a crowd of men ready to marry me. They were about 20 to follow me around. So I went to the nearest convenience store and bought cigarettes (I smoked at the time) and orange juice. After a week of this I figured I couldn't hold on to such a diet and that I really needed to see a doctor. So I ordered a taxi and asked to be brought to the four star hotel I had been the first time where I knew people spoke English. The taxi driver spoke a bit English and I kind of got that he was not bringing me to the hotel, but to his home because he wanted to marry me. I panicked; if he brought me out of the touristic area and kept me in his apartment, I had no idea how I was going to get out of there. Now that I think of it, I had the strangest reaction, but it just came out. I told him I would marry him, but that I was very religious, and that it was forbidden for me to even kiss him before we were united in front of God. I told him I needed to go to this hotel so I could get help for my hip, and that after I would leave the country to go prepare our wedding in Canada, then come back to get him. Well, believe it or not,it worked. He even came back to get me to bring me to the airport for free!

Maybe I was reckless. But nothing really bad happened, and most important of all I learned and traveled much more wisely afterwards. Looking back on the situation, I never for once thought something bad could happen to me while I was planning the trip. Since we create our own reality, I guess this belief served me good on that trip!

This one I think is a bit of both... or nether LOL:

I was in the middle of the desert in Jordan with Bedouins (nomad tribe). We were a group of 4 teachers. Two of the Bedouin kept looking at me and were talking arab -which I do not understand at all, but the look in their eyes said more than words could: they were up to no good. They tried to separate me from the group very discretely, but I made sure I didn't stray. I was too shy to speak to the other members of our group, as this was only intuition, and I was afraid this was my imagination. But I was uneased. The first night at the camp there were three stray dogs nearby. I approached them and connected with the dominant male. After just a few hours the dogs would follow me around everywhere. My theory was that if the lead dog would consider me as part of his group, he might defend me if the men attacked. I know, it was silly to think this, but I felt much more confident and strong in their presence. The men never got a chance to get near me that night, but the next morning I really needed to go pi, and I could not do this with the group (no toilets in the desert, you just go behind a dune). As I walked towards a dune, I felt one of the men following me. Of course the dogs were with me, and without looking back I knew where he was by the way the dogs watched him. As I pied ( I really had no choice at that point), the dogs kept guard on the dune. The man eventually came up to me afterwards, asked me to have sex, forced me to touch his hard penis through his pants, but then stopped as I firmly said no.

I guess I chose this story because I think it reflects that no matter what your choices are, as ridiculous or spontaneous or impulsive as they may seem, if you believe in them they will work to your advantage. In this story the dogs never attacked as I hoped they would, but they did give me courage to say no.  I didn't feel alone & isolated, and I felt stronger by their presence.

[Deb]

Holy cow, you sure have some stories to tell! I don't think that even when I was young I would have the courage to travel that way or alone, I'd have felt like a target.

I guess I tend to be spontaneous in small ways. I need more practice and to expand my horizons. I also need to think about how I've been spontaneous with bigger decisions (moving, buying a house, buying cars) and the results of those decisions.

The only drawback that I've seen in my being spontaneous is when I commit to a future event that sounds fun at the time, and then when the event comes around it doesn't sound so fun any more. I usually go through with my commitments, but sometimes, on impulse, I get out of it if my decision is not going to thoroughly mess up someone else's plans. Then it's a great relief and I can't say I've ever regretted bugging out of something I've committed to in the past. I'm just right now starting to think that my issue with making commitments is that they interfere with my constant need for a feeling of freedom. Maybe it's a need to be spontaneous in every moment. There must be an innate need in us humans to act spontaneously, but it's usually suppressed or trained out of us. But  I don't think it's very easy to get through this life without having some commitments, such as work, school, appointments, inviting people over for dinner. Your ditching work story was great, a perfect example of the rewards of spontaneity.

So... I guess spontaneity for me is at it's best when I can act spontaneously in the now rather than making a "spontaneous" commitment for my future self.

[Pinky]

It was fascinating to read your stories, Nathalie -- really helped put the "creating your own reality" and "you get what you concentrate on" concepts into real life. Thank you so much for sharing (whew, some tense moments there, too).

I'm glad Deb posed this topic on the forum because it's been on my front burner ever since Rick Stack spoke about it in the last Seth Intensive session.  Here's my current story -- tell me if it's my imagination (or does that even matter?):

Of late, there's been a swirl around Hawaii and Portland that is short of amazing to me when I experience it in the context of creating our moments.  It's been feeling magical—and that's the operative word:  "feeling,"  the emotion.  Maybe it's simply the stories we tell ourselves, but then isn't that how it works?

It actually began in February when my son and I spent a short time in Hawaii wwoofing on a coffee farm and B&B in Captain Cook.  We enjoyed our host family immensely.

In September, I started thinking about investing in a vacation home in Puna on the Big Island.  As I learned more about buying a house in Hawaii and also tracked the path of the current lava flow, I switched to thinking about a place that my husband and I always loved:  Portland, Oregon.

Well, it happened that my daughter and I found ourselves in Seattle in September for a spur of the moment visit to celebrate my niece's elopement.  And while there, I mentioned to my new nephew-in-law how I was thinking — just thinking, mind you — about buying property in Portland.  And he says to me, my dad's a real estate broker.

Holy crap.

So I ponder this opportunity of having a real estate broker at my fingertips — all this with the idea that, really, my income has dropped precipitously since my husband died and I've always been a penny-pinching worry wort.  What insanity to think of taking on another expense.  But the more spontaneous — yes, impulsive — side of me took hold and I contacted my nephew-in-law's father and asked him to help me find a Portland property.

The magic continued — enjoyable, easy, enough challenges and setbacks to make it interesting.  The whole time, I'd pull myself back from worries by keeping Seth's teachings in mind.  Within a month, I found a little house to buy at a price that fit my budget with a good tenant in place to assuage concerns about adding expenses to my meager income.

In the meantime, the friends we'd made in Hawaii asked if our family would take care of their B&B for a week in March while they visited their daughter in -- wait for it -- Portland!

It has felt interesting, enjoyable and a lesson in letting go and trusting that I am creating all the right moves in what will be a welcome project for the remainder of my life on this earth.

In telling this story, it's hard to convey the emotion behind the transpiring of events, which for me has been more exciting and wonderful than the actual events.  And this feeling of joyfulness would not be possible without a new trust in my inner self and my creative being, and in spontaneity and a good amount of impulsiveness.

[Deb]

Wow, there's a whole lot of serendipity going on in your life. I'd love to know how that all pans out for you. I just love the Portland-Hawaii tie, especially with your friends in Hawaii coming to Portland and you most likely going out there to watch their b&b. If I were in your shoes, I'd be laughing my ass off with how things are working out for you!

[Helle]

It feels to me like impulsive is something that comes from some other part of you, something you say or do based on a (negative) belief. I wonder if it isn't related to "compulsive" : )

Spontaneous feels much more like it is coming from your true nature.

I think when you are impulsive you end up regretting it, as opposed to be being spontaneously (like hiking in the wilderness), which you end up being happy about.

Great discussion! I love words (I am a translator) and this is a cool thread!

Helle

[Deb]

Helle, I see impulsive vs spontaneous sort of the same way you do, in that it's not on par with spontaneous. But I wonder if I get too tied up with words because the basis of impulsive is impulse, which has such nice definitions as instinct, drive, incentive, etc. Maybe it's just the way I was raised with the meaning of impulsive, in the negative sense. Maybe a little hidden belief that is not working in my best interest. 

[Deb]

I was just thinking about being on "the other side" of someone who is spontaneous. My son. He's 19 and going to a college an hour away, so he's in an apartment, car-less and comes home rarely. He came home yesterday--his girlfriend drove up to get him. He said he'd be here 4:30 for sure. Later in the day he texted to say he'd be home 7:30 instead, something came up. I was glad he gave me a heads up, because I was planning on us having dinner.

He did show up on time, we had dinner and were all talking, and suddenly he said a friend wanted to go downtown and he was off and running. It's a close friend who has been out of state and home for the holidays.

When I went to bed a couple of hours later I noticed that rather than bringing his stuff home in a bag or suitcase or even a pillow case, he had tossed them, loose, all over the stairs leading up to the bedrooms. Apparently he'd done that earlier when he came in and I was cooking in the kitchen.

He is absolutely spontaneous and I see every indication that he's enjoying life to its fullest. Except for having to be in class at certain times, I'd say almost 100% of his actions are based on freedom and spontaneity and I admire that. He's smart, doesn't get into trouble and his grades are very good. It's sometimes hard on me because I can rarely depend on my son to be here when he says he will. I've made countless dinners and get-together plans and the last moment he's off and running unless I make a big deal about something, which I generally don't because I want him to be spontaneous. He's extremely popular and has more friends that I can keep track of.

So I wonder about the dynamics of spontaneity when there are other people that may be affected, even in small ways, by our behavior. I don't know why this simple Seth concept is so thought provoking for me... there must be something deeper in myself that I need to examine.

BTW I just ordered two more Seth books, both volumes of Dreams, Evolution & Value Fulfillment. I got them used on Amazon for 99 cents each. It's hard to beat the price and I think they're both hard cover. I keep hoping that some day I get a used book and find it's been autographed by Seth or Jane, lol. Dream on. 

[Pinky]

I read your post today with a lot of interest, Deb--not so much in regards to spontaneity but how your son's personality affects you and your husband.  I've been thinking (rather continuously) about my own children's challenges and how they affect my world.  There's an avalanche of examination going on in my brain cells, most of it in light of Seth's teachings.

But what knocked my socks off when I read about your son was that I'd just come back from a 2-hour dog run with a friend who talked about her son (early 20's) who has a diagnosis of autism spectrum.  As she told me some  of the challenges, I knew it was a lifetime journey for her family.  At the end, after relating daunting difficulties,  she said that her son has helped her grow spiritually (she was raised Catholic but now studies Tibetan Buddhism).

Juxtaposing your family story with my friend's, I'm thinking there are messages for me, insights to help me pick at my avalanche of questions.  They circle around how we draw to ourselves the people in our lives for a myriad of reasons, how their lives are reflections of our own.  Am I getting what I'm concentrating on if I worry too much?  Is there something in their trials (and tribulations) that's reflecting me?  What is the lesson, what is the teachable moment?  What are we co-creating, and why?  What are my beliefs?

No epiphanies from me, Deb.  Just wanting to let you know I'm grateful to you for sharing.

[Deb]

Thanks Pinky and Happy New Year to you!

I find it interesting that when I decided to have a family, it never occurred to me that it would affect me for the rest of my life. I thought about raising a child, college, marriage and possible grandchildren. I can only relate from my current perspective of having a 19 year old in college (with a chronic illness) and the worry that comes from that. But... as you mentioned worry, I too have that knowledge that we get what we concentrate upon and so I try to nip that one in the bud whenever I realize what I'm doing.

Yes I suppose everyone in our lives is there for a reason and in some way a refection of ourselves. Sometimes my mind goes off on a tangent about reincarnation and I even wonder if I'm just a reincarnation of my mother, she of my grandmother. My mother has been gone for 30 years but I sometimes feel like I'm overcoming her struggles or righting her wrongs. Hard to explain.

Do you remember old typewriters, where if you hit too many keys at once they get jammed up? That's how my brain feels sometimes when I think about all of this. I go with a Seth concept and then all these ideas start coming to me, like sparks shooting off a sparkler, and then the typewriter keys jam and I need to clear my head. I'm looking forward to reading more and more of the books, there's so much to learn!

[Deb]

Strangerthings, thanks for revisiting this topic. I just read the entire thing again and got a lot of enjoyment out of it, it's been a while.

If we had to stop and think about how others would be affected in everything we did, we probably would never act on Spontaneity and Inner Impulses.

In retrospect, I continue to 'permit' myself to be spontaneous to the degree of stepping outside what the OLC (or my current society) dictates. Coincidentally, this topic came up came up for me just this morning. I have always struggled with considering others' feelings before my own—it's the way I was raised. As deeply ingrained as looking left first before crossing the street (that's why they hand-paint "look right" on all the crosswalks in London and Dublin). I've had the courage the last couple of years to go bigger in following my heart and have put up with a lot of flack from people. My thought is that I'm not getting any younger, I may as well enjoy what I have left, lol. And YES—how people react to things that others do is ON THEM. They decide whether they are affected by another's actions or not, they choose how they react, based on their own beliefs and expectations.

Not saying repress anger no no no .

And a lot of people don't consider that anger is a choice.

I'd also like to add something different: My son has made some bad decisions over the past couple of years based no doubt on impulse. Bad enough to put his life at risk. So what then?

Something came to mind over the quote about distinguishing between self and behavior: If someone is truly being impulsive/spontaneous, then there will be no division between self and behavior because the behavior will be demonstrating the true self. Hmmmm. Gotta think about that some more.

[Marianna]

Bumblebee, you have some extreme stories! Scary, something really to test you!

Deb, you probably know what I am going to say. I have the same attitude towards two things - freedom and commitments.
Freedom - a chance to act spontaneously every moment of your life. I only recently understood it and you used the same words I had in my head! That is why going to opera or concert are so... You buy the tickets, you know you'll love it, but on the day you can be too tired to drive or feel like curling in bed with a book. For the same reason - messing with spontaneity - weekends, especially long ones are sometimes very difficult. Too much "I have to".

Seeing how 'keeping me leashed' to a commitment or a person affects me, I am now very careful with commitments.

[Deb]

Freedom - a chance to act spontaneously every moment of your life. I only recently understood it and you used the same words I had in my head! That is why going to opera or concert are so... You buy the tickets, you know you'll love it, but on the day you can be too tired to drive or feel like curling in bed with a book. For the same reason - messing with spontaneity - weekends, especially long ones are sometimes very difficult. Too much "I have to".

Seeing how 'keeping me leashed' to a commitment or a person affects me, I am now very careful with commitments.

Yes, there are many have to's as a "responsible" adult, or at least what we expect from ourselves or label as being responsible. As long as we have homes and jobs, families and other people in our lives, most of us will be trying to strike a balance between what we feel we should be doing and being our spontaneous selves. Once in a while I give my self permission to completely ignore what I feel I should do and spend a day or even half a day doing what ever appeals to me at the time. Such as spending most of a day lying on the couch reading a good book.

Glad to see you're now very careful with commitments, that's something I've become more aware of for myself over the years. We need to leave room in our lives to be spontaneous, as much as possible. We owe it to ourselves!

Interesting: I just found a quote from Seth where he says the feeling of responsibility as stifles creativity. No surprises there, as spontaneity = creativity.

"The sense of responsibility of that kind stifles love, which must be free to form its own creativity in its own fashion. [...] When he becomes overly concerned with ideas of responsibility to use his talent, then the love beneath them is smothered to some extent and denied its flow."
—TPS6 Deleted Session February 18, 1981

[Marianna]

Due to all this I even stay away from relationships that would involve frequent meetings, calls, dinners, etc. I do miss all my loved ones, those who live far away, but I think I have created this situation myself. Some of them (like my Mum will feel hurt and upset if I lived close, but called or saw her not very often. We (me and Mum) do need kilometers between us to stay friends.

Most of my new friends are of 'my type' - value their 'me time', silence, lonely walks.
Casual meetings are nice - when you meet in a great setting to communicate (and to snack on something .

Anyway, all of my friends and family receive my love in the form suitable to me, but also for them. Some like gifts, some - chats on the phone or letters, some - one-to one personal time (like my husband). He won't be happy with a letter.